Laura

It's like senior prom,

except Laura's not knocked up,

and I'm wearing pants.  

It's a time machine?

Send me back to '93

and Bill Clinton's arms.

I'll hold it like this,

where she can't see the green leaves,

or else she'll smoke it.

I've met you before,

at a Hell's Angels event.

You were their mascot. 

I ran out of clothes,

so I killed and skinned a couch

from 1980.

Preserve our country!

Just take a look at my face,

I'm doing my part! 

One time I got drunk

with Michael Jackson's monkey

and did this all night.

This will do just fine.

We'll put the coffins right there.

And block the windows.

After my face lift

every time I blink or sneeze

my colon empties.